First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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