I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
