you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
