THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
