Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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