Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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