I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
