i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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