oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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