Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
