so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
