Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
