it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
