True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
