She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
