Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
