you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
