i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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