Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
