i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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