i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
