I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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