I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
