Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
