I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
