brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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