Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
