I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
