Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
