what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
