I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
