I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My vagina just recognized that song.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When did we convert life to cartoon?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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