Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
