I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
