and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
