There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
