I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Man, jail baloney is awful.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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