I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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