I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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