Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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