Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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