omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
