The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
