I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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