Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
