i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
