I wish I could teleport
I bet he comes in French.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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