I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
