I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I intend to get homeless drunk
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
