i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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