I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
