Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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