Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
